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well i hate myself
i hate that i’m sitting on top of your body, thinkin’ ‘bout somethin’ else
fuckin’ with my eyes shut
nowhere you touch me is enough to stop me looking for a way out
i’ve become that person, yeah i’m selfish, i’m weak and suddenly i hate the way you speak
the way you eat me out
i draw my curtain, yeah it’s harder to lie in the light
i see you looking at me, waiting for me
well i know i shouldn’t be with you but i can’t be bothered to be sad
i’m so lonely next to your body knowing that you don’t know i feel this bad
funny how time changes your mind and you were once the best thing i ever had
then you roll over and kiss my shoulder, maybe i love you, maybe i’m just mad
well i hate myself
i used to be fun and cool, now i don’t fancy myself
pickin’ up old fights, tryna make you hate me cause i can’t be straight when you ask if i’m alright
well it’s my problem, yeah i’m selfish, i’m weak and suddenly i see i’m in too deep
gonna hurt to leave
and i don’t wanna solve it, even though you repulse me every time you love me and you look at me
waiting for me
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i chose my confirmation name of catherine when i was ten, size ten, ten stone
already full of some kind of demons, pre-teen, lack of self-esteem
not much longer before i was learning how to fuck boys, ten stories up with a strange boy
lucky i didn’t get knocked up, didn’t get knocked up
we’re all talking about owning our bodies, we’re all feeling our femininity like it’s godly
i believe us, we can all make peace with ourselves with enough love
but there’s so much wrapped up in the way that we were brought up
well you didn’t mean it but you were brought up in a world that reminds me that i’m a girl and i can’t come first so i gotta play catch up
childhood leaves us with a story and if we don’t find the words to voice it
then we keep going round the same old story, poor me, ignore me, it’s boring
don’t wanna pass this onto a small me, ten floors up with a story
lucky i didn’t get knocked up, didn’t get knocked up
i light a candle for my old self
i light a candle for my old shame
i stroke her hair and i tell her
that i love her all the same
eating secretly was my shame
one way or another we’re all addicted to our pain, my pain, my shame is my weight gain
i keep eating sugar tryna fill up spaces that sugar can’t find
that much sugar gets you feeling high, gets you floating out your mind
gets you going out your body cause your body wants to hide
but jameela jamil said the issue isn’t mine, that our shame was designed to alienate our kind
making problems out of women’s bodies is lucrative, because desire creates the perfect consumerist and it’s true that this world is tough and i coulda had a girl
thank god i didn’t get knocked up
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how much of my clothes can i take off?
how much of my body can i show you?
i don’t wanna waste this moment in case you like me
but i’m scared i’ll make you go
and you’re looking amazing in your friday night best
and i’m thinking ‘bout dropping the cards from my chest
when they call last orders and it’s time to go home
don’t leave me alone
how much of the truth can i tell you?
how much of the mystery is part of the game?
you’ve been the top of my favourite for so long now
but suddenly i feel like i don’t know your name
and i wanna slip these words right out of my lips
how i’m thinkin’ ‘bout droppin’ the pants from my hips
i can’t count the times i’ve imagined this
i don’t wanna be your friend no more, i don’t wanna know you like this
i just wanna kiss you on your floor, i don’t wanna feel embarrassed
i’m so shy at saying goodbye, when i really care i think i’d rather die
i never knew what baggage was until i said it was over before i tried
i’m so annoyed i’m shouting about this, why can’t i put my heart where my mouth is?
i see your face in the crowd you look so embarrassed, fuck is this the first time you’re hearing about it?
i don’t wanna care, i don’t wanna care
i don’t wanna feel
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